Calvarys Road (The Journey from Death to Life)

This is my love letter to Jesus. A thank you, for saving my life, literally. I'm writing this and I have just read a portion from the book of John where Jesus is telling His disciples of how the Holy Spirit would testify of Him and how they too must testify of Him, having been with Him since since the beginning. So here I am, disciple of Jesus Christ too, my lover, my savior, my friend, my bridegroom. Here I am to testify of Him that all the glory may be His, and I throw all reputation to the wind that I may decrease and He increase. And that through this testimony, the light of His love would shine in your heart as you read so that you too may begin the pursuit of the lover of your soul.

About a week ago, Esther(@estherordia) my beautiful friend and teacher, (a literal God send) gave me a prophetic word from the lord. He said that He had placed stories in my heart to tell,  and that I need not be afraid to tell them or fear the opinions of others. I believe this story is one of them because since then it has been my waking, breathing, eating and sleeping thought lol. Let me head right to it.

As far back as I can remember, I've always had a heart or a desire for God so to say. I mean, I have old books from when I was in primary school where I  scribbled "I love Jesus" all over. I remember my friend telling me that in Js1/7th grade I used to carry my Bible every where and I don't even remember that oh. But, you get the picture. I knew the basics of Christianity, my mom is a preacher too. So I knew what was a sin and what was acceptable.  I remember at a time in High school I carried this small devotional everyday in my school bag and I'd encourage other people to read it with me and to pursue a relationship with God but somewhere along the line that became just as far as it went for me. Somewhere along the line that child like passion seemed to wane. It seemed I could not pursue Him myself in my own life, it seemed like I was very good at offering Him to others but not having Him for myself, if that makes sense. 

I was suddenly sinking into this deep, dark spiraling hole of sadness. It was as though there was this deep gaping void in my heart and it was only growing wider and wider. Even then, people would come to me for advice and I would offer them God because I knew He solved problems, it just didn't occur to me that He could solve mine. I remember at a time, Saturday afternoons in hostel where my crying days. Every blessed Saturday without fail, I would become water works for no good reason. At school I wasn't happy, neither was I at home. I had convinced myself my siblings didn't like me and that something was definitely wrong with me. My mind was constantly plotting ways to put an end to my existence. It was this heavy sadness that I didn't know how to shake off. 

Let me just add that before all this began, when I was in Js3/9th grade or so I was really pursuing Jesus, at that time in hostel on my bed, my head would be perpetually covered under my blanket praying, my roommates would be worried I wasn't getting enough air. Infact a mini revival would have broken out in my school the following semester which was 10th grade/Ss1. I remember I and a group of girls gathered in a room one afternoon and prayed for almost 2 hours. Imagine small 13/14 year olds oh. And that was when I believe the enemy saw a threat and sought to choke it. That is why it is important to not be ignorant of the devices of the enemy. He is always seeking to snuff out light, and so we must be on guard and give him no foothold. I digress, let's get back on track.

Okay, so from dwindling into a depression that no one knew of , I remember books where my escape. I loved to read, I still do but now you can only catch me reading something by Smith Wigglesworth or Watchman Nee (hehehehe can your hear the pride in my voice cause I sure can 😂 you'll understand in a moment). So the devil used my book reading to introduce something deadly. Can I also just state right here that if you find solace in anything or anyone else other than your creator, the devil will take it and use it to tie a noose around your neck. Take for example, people who find their own peace in alcohol or chasing a high. Or people who say a great stress reliever is pornography or masturbation. No no, do not be deceived. You were created to find peace, love, rest, hope and life in none other than Jesus Christ. 

Okayyy back to the deadly thing . Soon enough, as I read through the books on this e-book app, I stumbled upon books that were OBVIOUSLY not written for my age and might I also add that they were not written for any age at all? 😭( See, being 18 or over is not an excuse or avenue to consume and destroy yourself with ungodly content whether you feel it's mild or full-blown. Give the devil no foothold, because from a foothold it becomes a stronghold) Because, then I knew people who read this stuff and didn't seem to care, and if that's you right now please let this open your eyes. In my mind I would be like "hmm let me just see what it's about, I really won't read it" (hello? Are you a joker 😂 see? That was me giving the enemy a foothold. Bro, Sis, FLEE ALL APPEARANCES OF EVIL, don't do any testing of the waters! Because thats how the devil got Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. She played with the idea in her mind instead of expelling it immediately). 

Anyways so after I read them, I'd be overcome with guilt and even more sadness, I knew I had offended God and I would genuinely cry and say Lord I'm sorry "It won't happen again" . From there I would delete the reading app and try to pursue a relationship with God. But fam! It became a vicious cycle. Maybe, several months after I would say I was "strong enough" to use the app to read without venturing towards "that"direction. But- you guessed it! I'm no musician but I always went in one direction (see what I did there? I won't leave you don't worry 😂). Infact, it got to a point where on certain occasions it would lead to masturbation. I remember once it became that bad I would plead with God to either save me or to send help and by help I meant help in the form of a death sentence. At this point I had stopped physically talking to God when I needed to repent . I was certain He was too angry at me to hear my voice, so I wrote letters hoping at least He would read them.

Here, let me just point out something that was a major problem that God showed me. I was always saying I wouldn't do it again. As in, the power was always in my "I", as though I had the power in myself to do so. Even though I was saying God help me, I was really thinking like one who could help herself . Listen, no man in himself has the power to fight sin. "Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit saith the Lord".  Without complete surrender to the Holy spirit you would be deceiving yourself if you confessed with your mouth that you had His help whereas in your heart you are relying merely on yourself.

 And for me, at a certain point, completely blinded by the devil, I was no longer interested in asking God to save me, I was asking Him to kill me. 

However, later on He did reveal to me little pieces of this puzzle buried in my memory that were linked to this struggle. Things that had been done and shown to me by people when I was so young I wouldn't possibly remember except the Lord hadn't revealed it to me. I do realise that a child's formative years are very very important.

So, in my frustration of going in cycles, I decided to run to pastors for help. Interestingly, anytime I told one my struggle they would immediately stop replying my messages. Actually, one even said we should meet (thankfully God intervened because He revealed to my mom that the man had ulterior motives. Hmhm talk about something else to be traumatized over! THANK GOD FOR JESUS! ). In the midst of all this, I was growing unstable especially emotionally. I didnt know how to explain my major mood swings, and I was tired of having my emotions trivialized. Sometimes when I was going to sleep I would say "God if you like me even a little bit, please don't let me wake up".

The last straw that broke the camels back was when after a really long time of being "Clean " lol , it happened again!! It was never an addiction but it was definitely a problem slowly chipping away at my soul, and when I thought I had triumphed for real for real, there I was again. Just when I thought my relationship with God was getting somewhere, there I was again. And this time I was convinced He was done with me FOR GOOD. 

Now I was wallowing in self - hate, I told myself there was nothing good about me, there was nothing good for me in life anymore. I didn't want me, I felt my siblings didn't and now I felt that I had failed God so bad that He didn't either. I told myself I was done. And not just with God but with life. Right now i can actually remember one of the ways I said I would die. It would be simple, I'd go to the kitchen, grab a knife and be done with it. Then I would decide it was too much pain to go in and change my mind and then I would say again that perhaps I deserved it. At this point, this is what I said to God  "it seems you don't like me that much, you won't help me, your pastors won't help me, I've asked you to take my life before but since you won't I'll do it myself". This was last year. And I'm crying as I reach this part because I'm just so grateful to God that today I have breathe in my body.

After a whole week of wallowing in hate for myself (and the saddest part is that nobody but God could have guessed I was going through something this major), anger at God and brooding on how to end it, Jesus Christ came and met me where I was.

That Sunday that marked the end of that week (or the beginning of another, however you calculate), I remember going to church and one of my sisters asked me why I looked sad. I told her I was fine but the truth is I felt like I didn't belong in the house of God. I was like "the owner had given up on me anyways so what am I doing in it?". People! People! Can you just break into a little praise dance on behalf of my life?! That day was the day Jesus delivered me! He came and took it all away . As the guest minister was singing that day it was as if Jesus Himself was singing over me. I knew something had shifted. Even right now I can feel that shift again . I felt the chains breaking away. The first genuine smile in a while appeared on my face. I felt it in my soul. I was FREE. He did it in an instant! Oh isn't He so wonderful and perfect?! He took away whatever desire to indulge in sin, He took the heavy weight of depression off my back. I could feel Him breathing new life into me again. Even as I wept and surrendered that day, I could feel a strength that hadn't been there returning. People! I was happy. I am happy. The joy of the Lord is MINE.

If you are going through anything, anything at all. Jesus Christ has not left you, He has not stopped loving you. He has not stopped chasing you down. He took me up from a dark pit and has placed me on a mountain. Now my siblings will understand why I dance so much when I sing Glorious day. I have had a number of encounters with Him since then. I am proud to say He is my daddy and I am His baby girl. He stopped me on the road to death and arrested me. He became the air I breathe and the life that I live. That is why I am not ashamed to tell this story, it is not about me but all about my beautiful, beautiful lover.

Please! He desires this for you! Jesus didn't just die to be "forgiver of sins", He died and rose to give power over it! And not only that, but to give us His very own life ("no longer I who lives but Christ lives in me". This is the life that is eternal.)

He doesn't just want to take away that addiction or hurt, He wants to replace it with Himself!!! He wants to consume all of you and fill you with His light. Even if you feel you are a "good" person lol. Jesus didn't come to make bad people good. He came to make dead people alive. And alive in and through Him. I hope that the scales of mediocrity will fall of our eyes, so that we will not settle for where we are. I love you, He loves you more! Don't deny Him and don't deny yourself the love, peace and freedom that comes with Him. Step out of shallow Christianity and fall in love with Jesus! And even if you are not a Christian, I implure you to ask of this Jesus that I speak of, for a drink of living water. I assure you, He will not deny you. And when you drink, you will never thirst for any other thing again.

Peace out! 

P. S if you need to, you can reach me on Instagram @elffulu or by email at elfulueworo@gmail.com (I hardly open that but-)